


Cry My Dear, But Do Not Bleed

by InfamousPansy



Category: Batman (Comics), DC Extended Universe, Green Arrow (Comics), Heroes in Crisis (DCU Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood/Arsenal (Comics)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, DC Comics Rebirth, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, New 52, Physical Abuse, Self Confidence Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:55:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28358901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InfamousPansy/pseuds/InfamousPansy
Summary: Since long before Jason could remember, the only person that he could ever depend upon was himself. It was not due to lack of trying Jason had attempted several times to open up and rely on others, but rather it was because people had a nasty little habit of betraying Jason. So, it was no surprise that Jason built his walls up high to protect his back from other people’s knives. After all, the more you have been stabbed, the more accustomed you become to preventing the wounds. Unfortunately, childhood had taught Jason the importance of self-dependence. Having as Quentin Crisp says, ‘fallen from his mother’s womb and crawled cross country under open fire,’ Jason forwent his childhood in favour of survival.
Relationships: Dick Grayson & Jason Todd, Dick Grayson & Roy Harper, Lian Harper & Jason Todd, Lian Harper & Roy Harper, Roy Harper/Jason Todd, Roy Harper/Koriand'r/Jason Todd
Comments: 3
Kudos: 45





	Cry My Dear, But Do Not Bleed

**Author's Note:**

> Please check tags for trigger warnings.  
> * I have combined elements of pre- flashpoint, the new 52 and rebirth into this story*

Since long before Jason could remember, the only person that he could depend upon was himself. It was not due to lack of trying, as Jason had attempted several times to open up and rely on others, but rather it was because people had a nasty little habit of betraying Jason. So, it was no surprise that Jason built his walls up high to protect his back from other people’s knives. After all, the more you have been stabbed, the more accustomed you become to preventing the wounds. Unfortunately, childhood had taught Jason the importance of self-dependence. Having as Quentin Crisp says, ‘fallen from his mother’s womb and crawled cross country under open fire,’ Jason forwent his childhood in favour of survival.

By the bright bold age of five, Jason was cooking, cleaning, working, and nursing his mother back to health. It was a lot of responsibility for a little guy, but having experienced his parent’s neglect, Jason knew if he wanted his basic rights met, he had to work for them. Even after Bruce had adopted him, Jason still strived for independence. He cleaned his room, did his homework without prompting and even helped Alfred in the kitchen. This ideology that only he could be responsible for himself founded his vigilante identity. So, as you could imagine, his demise and resurrection were heavily fuelled by this similar agenda. He alone hunted down his mother, he alone confronted joker, he alone crawled his way out of his own grave. After all, no one had ever rescued Jason before, so why would he expect anything to change? In other words, there was absolutely no reason for Jason to be upset right now! He had always been alone, and today’s events did not change anything.

Sure, Jason loved Roy Harper, but it was not like he needed him. At the end of the day, Jason had loved his parents, his brothers and Bruce, and he was as sure as hell that he did not need those assholes. So, he was sure he could survive without Roy. He could deal without his tobacco laced kisses, his smart-ass attitude, and his destructive personality. Hell, Jason could do without the contents off Roy’s workbench being scattered throughout Jason’s clean house, without the insults thrown his way and Roy’s cringe ass jokes. So yeah, Jason would be okay, he always preferred to be alone anyway. At least that is what he told himself as he stared at Roy’s tombstone, recalling his relationship with the archer.

The first time the two outlaws had met was amidst a harsh Gotham winter, and having just lost his mother to an overdose, an eight-year-old Jason was hardly in the mood to deal with a hyperthermic junkie. But having found a teenage Roy passed out in a snow-covered alleyway, Jason’s empathy took over, and he found himself desperately trying to help the teen. So, with a quick kick to the shin, Jason woke the teen from his slumber and dragged him to the homeless shelter Jason was staying at. Jason shoved the ginger in front of the fireplace, roughly handing him a blanket and a water bottle before plopping down next to the intoxicated man. Jason watched Roy from the corner of his eye as he held his hands up to the flame, attempting to warm up his own body.

Eventually, one of the youth workers spotted Jason’s new friend and began questioning the teen. Roy’s answers slurred together but eventually, the teen had provided enough information that the worker was able to make a phone call. By the time Roy’s friend had arrived to collect him, Jason had fallen asleep against Roy, subconsciously afraid if he abandoned the teen, he would perish much like his mother had. The friend thanked Jason, handing him some money as compensation before waltzing off with Roy thrown over his shoulders.

Although at the time both Jason and Roy were unaware of the impact they would soon play in one another’s lives, Jason still could not help but think that this wouldn’t be the only encounter the two shared. This premonition came true on the eve of Jason’s 11th birthday when Roy Harper made an appearance at Wayne Manor. Roy had come Jason’s home in search for Jason’s brother Dick, who was currently assisting Batman on a case. But due to Roy’s untimely arrival, he had missed Dick’s departure for patrol, and would not see the Romani man until later that night. So, reluctantly, Roy plopped his bag on the floor and joined Jason on the couch. Jason couldn’t help but stare at the man, as Roy took the bottle of scotch from the coffee table and took a swig.

“That’s Bruce’s” Jason mumbled, diverting his gaze back to his book. “He’s gonna kill you.”

"I’ve drunk quite a lot of Bruce’s liquor over the years, and I’m still very much alive, it’s fine,” Roy mumbled. Annoyed at the man’s response Jason slammed his book shut and stood to his feet. 

“Whatever, I don’t have to deal with Dick’s drunken acquaintances. I’m going to bed”

“Best friend” Roy corrected, as Jason chuckled at the desperation in the man’s voice.

“I thought that was Wally” Jason smirked, mocking the twenty-year-old. 

“A guy can have two best friends!” Roy defended.

“Whatever you say, hotshot. Why the hell are you here anyway?”

“Green Arrow is a fucking prick”

“What did he do?” Roy took another swig of the alcohol and stared at the ground.

“I don’t want to talk about it, can you please drop it,” Roy whispered. Jason watched as Roy squeezed the bridge of his nose attempting to suppress tears. That behaviour paired with the black eye planted on Roy’s face, immediately caused Jason to back down with his interrogation. After all, having grown up with an abusive father, Jason knew a victim when he saw one. So, Jason simply sat back down beside Roy and began reading his Pride and Prejudice book out loud, offering a distraction to the distressed man. The method worked to soothe Roy, as the ginger found himself becoming somewhat grounded before Dick arrived home and escorted Roy from the property. Dick was thankful to his little brother for acting so maturity and looking after his distressed friend that he started bringing Jason along to Titan meetings and missions. This allowed Jason to branch out into hero world as well as form a bond with Roy Harper. The friendship was far from unlikely as the two hard similar traumas and began bonding over their shared pain. But unfortunately, there was a thorn in the side of their friendship; and that was Roy’s addiction which triggered rash and erratic behaviour. But Jason was convinced that Roy wouldn’t be a victim of his habit, that he would beat it and survive, unlike Jason’s mother. He knew that deep down, Roy would one day quit, that one day it would all stick. 

It was a stupid dream, hell, not even a genie would waste a wish on saving Roy from his problems. After all, addiction had taken Roy by the throat and literally choked him until he could no longer breathe. Day after day, the ginger was struggling to swim, fighting against this disease that weighed him down, and unfortunately for Jason, Roy eventually drowned. It hurt Jason with how much he missed Roy and the way the man managed to make him smile. There was so much about Roy, that Jason was devastated about never experiencing again, everything from the way he threw back his head when he laughed to the way he could never sit properly in a chair. He would miss the fact that Roy would wrap his arms around Jason, sliding a hand under his shirt only to let it rest on his stomach, he would miss the way the man knew exactly what words to say to cause Jason to blush and the way the man would love him both rough and gentle all at the same time. He missed more about Roy than he realised, and that broke Jason. He guessed it was true what they say you never realise what you had until you lose it, and Jason would be damned if he’d waste his thoughts regretting his choices. So he kneeled in front of Roy’s grave, placing one of Roy’s stupid hats on the tombstone, along with a packet of Roy’s favourite cigarettes while trying to plague his mind with negative thoughts of Roy in the attempts that it would take away from his grieving heart. It somewhat helped, because, despite their love for one another, their relationship was toxic. They tore each other down to a raw and exposed victim, whaling at one another until the other would break. Unlucky for Jason who was younger, smaller, and quieter, he often lost the battles the two held, and would often flee from their Warfield, unable to recover.

So, it was hardly a rare occurrence for a fear-driven Jason to lock himself in the bathroom, hoping to protect himself from an inebriated Roy, It just so happened that the day Jason had found out about Lian was hardly different. Jason was nineteen years old and had been dating Roy for roughly six months only to come home to see Roy alone with a baby. Although he had a million and one questions regarding the child’s presence, due to Roy’s laboured breathing and dilated pupils, Jason had deducted the child was unsafe and removed her from his partner’s grasp. The action resulted in a brutal attack on Jason’s stomach, causing the man to double over in pain, from the impact of Roy’s knee. But still, Jason held the child and fled, locking himself in the bathroom and curling up with the baby inside the porcelain tub. Jason knew it was safer to wait out Roy’s high and deal with the consequences later, rather than try to reason with him now. So instead of caving into Roy’s pleas on the other side of the bathroom, Jason held the baby and sang quietly, as he recalled all the times, he had previously been hurt by those he cared about. Jason didn’t know how long he remained in that position, but eventually, the baby’s crying had snapped him out of his dissociative episode and forced him to realise that several hours had passed.

Slowly Jason peeled himself from the bathtub, before slipping into the kitchen to find something to feed the child with. Having found a premade bottle in the fridge, Jason heated it and handed it to the child. She grabbed it eagerly, as Jason quietly searched for Roy. Jason found his partner lying half-undressed on the floor staring quietly at the roof.

“Roy…?” Jason questioned, as he kneeled and gently shook the man. Roy groaned and swatted away Jason’s hand as he moved to a seated position. “You with me?” Roy nodded in response, as he rubbed his temples and sighed.

“Kinda… Still a bit.” Jason nodded as he tossed Roy a water bottle and bounced Lian on his hip.

“With it enough to tell me who’s baby this is?” Roy’s eyes darted to Jason and widened as he cursed under his breath.

“Fuck I thought that was just a bad trip” He mumbled, as Jason raised an eyebrow.

“Roy… Please tell me you didn’t kidnap a child!”

“No… No jaybird, I didn’t she’s er- mine. Child services dropped her off this morning. I have custody, the Jade’s in jail.” Jason stared in shock, trying to absorb the information.

“You and Jade have a kid? What the fuck Roy! And you were fucking high out of your mind, how fucking irresponsible are you?”

“Hey, I only just found out about her! Plus- I took the hit before she was given to me okay! I’ll- can you just look after her tonight, while I sort shit out.”

“I can’t look after a kid Roy! I can barely look after myself!”

“Well you’re going to have to because my hands are shaking so bad, I will drop her.”

“Fuck you harper”

“Thankyou Jaybird.”

“Eat shit” Jason sighed, holding the kid close.

“Look I’ll get clean… I will. Just- give me a few days Jay, Just a few days to wrap my head around this…”

“Whatever, just go to bed” Jason mumbled, plopping on the couch as the kid giggled and crawled all over him. Roy quietly pulled himself to his feet, bending to peck Jason’s lips, before walking to their bedroom.

“I Love you Jaybird.”

“Yeah yeah… Love you too.”

The sad part of this situation was despite his love for Roy, Jason couldn’t help but feel jealous of this child. Having known Roy for less than 24 hours little Lian had gotten Roy to agree to something that Jason had spent the past eight years attempting; she had managed to convince Roy to get clean. And although Jason was overwhelmed at the thought of a sober boyfriend, he couldn’t help but feel insignificant. This was because Jason’s pain, his trauma was never a good enough reason for Roy to better himself. But despite his jealousy, Jason raised Lian as his own, and the two became the best parents that little girl deserved. But Jason didn’t want to focus on adventures with Lian, because although losing her was the most painful thing he ever experienced, he knew that the memories would make Roy seem like a good man, and Jason could not afford to be held back by grief, not now and not ever.

It was easier this way. Dwelling on the painful memories made it easier not to miss Roy so much. So, Jason lit up a cigarette and tried to list all the things about Roy that drove him insane. Jason focused on everything from the time Roy tested a flame thrower on Jason while he was showering, to the time that Jason busted Roy’s ungrateful ass out of prison. He recalled how Roy got overcome with jealously when the pair explored polyamory with Kori and the way Roy relapsed after Lian’s death. He remembered how Roy would spend all of Jason’s money on the most pointless shit and the way he could never keep the house clean, and he remembers that despite it all Jason always came crawling back. Hell, many Jason’s most painful memories came just before he crawled back to Roy. But little did Jason realise how the last time would be different.

Three weeks ago, while Roy was out, Jason flushed Roy’s stash, leaving Roy with ultimatum the drugs or Jason. Roy, having been forced into withdrawal cold turkey lashed out at Jason, claiming that Jason would never force such a situation upon him, and come tomorrow he would have changed his mind. Jason argued back and began packing his stuff. The next thing Jason knew, he had arrived at his brother’s Bludhaven apartment covered in blood, sweat and tears. Horrified by his brother’s appearance, Dick immediately dragged Jason into his bathroom, and placed him in the tub, desperate to scrub off the blood and disinfect the wounds. Jason silently let his brother fuss over his injuries, enjoying the way the hot water relaxed his muscles.

“What happened Little Wing?” Dick asked as he dragged a rag across Jason’s face, trying to clean the blood from his now broken nose.

“Fought with Roy” Jason mumbled, leaning into his brother’s hand. Dick sighed sadly, choosing not to comment on his brother’s relationship and instead focused on ensuring his brother didn’t pass out. Jason just silently watched as Dick moved, wishing for nothing more than his brains to splattered against the bathroom wall. Sure, Jason had been actively suicidal for the past twenty-five years, so he wasn’t concerned by the thoughts plaguing his mind, especially considering what had occurred within the past twenty-four hours. It was likely that Jason would spend the night on Dick’s couch, do something reckless tomorrow and then be back with Roy in the evening. It was a tired routine, but it was just how the two worked.

So, following his patterns, despite his broken nose, and cracked ribs, Jason rode his motorbike into central Gotham and shot the penguin on live television. Sure, Jason had wanted the penguin dead for multiple reasons, but his no killing promise with Bruce had previously prevented him from acting on those emotions. But as he stood there, helmet on the ground, identity exposed and Batman on his way to beat his ass, Jason could not help but feel alive. Jason couldn’t help but laugh as the realisation hit him. This vigilantism, his life as an Outlaw, his relationship with Roy was just an excuse to take the self out of self-mutilation and still suffer the consequences. So, when batman swung at him, landing a punch Jason’s the jaw, a kick to his ribs, and more, Jason couldn’t help but feel free for a brief moment before his concussion consumed him. Of course, Roy, being the typical boyfriend was the one to pull Jason from the wreckage of his mistakes, protecting him from any further abuse by Batman’s hands. But the consequences had been dire; a nation-wide warrant had been put out for Jason’s arrest, Batman had banished Jason from Gotham and Roy was forced into rehab. The two shared one agonising kiss before they parted ways, heading to their treatments, unaware that would be the last kiss they ever shared as not even two weeks later, Roy was one of many victims of the Sanctuary massacre.

When Jason received the new, he was sick to his stomach. Sure, he was used to life's cruel games, but Roy Harper had always been a constant. No matter what happened, what Jason went through, Roy would always be waiting for him to crawl back. The pair were like magnets, no matter how hard they pulled away from one another, something was always pushing them back. The two belonged together, and even though Jason currently stood there, staring at the intricate carving on the archer’s tombstone, Jason truly believed he would see the man again. Foolish right?

Shaking the idiocy from his mind, Jason kicked up dust with his boots as he tried to comprehend what it meant to truly be alone. Sure, Jason had always believed you could only depend on yourself, and that’s why when Dick, Bruce, Talia, and others abandoned him, it didn’t hit so hard, but Roy had left his fingerprint all over Jason’s heart and now the bastard was buried six feet deep. Jason cursed deeply under his breath, extinguishing his cigarette again his lover’s tombstone before burying his hands in his pocket.

“Fuck you, Harper” The words felt like venom on his tongue, but he needed to get them out. “Fuck you for laying your hands on me, fuck you for leaving me but most of all fuck you for making me love you” As the last words dragged out, Jason pulled on his new mask, before turning on his heel. He took one last look at the love he lost, before focusing on the road ahead, desperate to start a new chapter in the traumatic story called his life.


End file.
